My Eating Disorder

I mentioned on my profile that I have an eating disorder... well technically, I have 2. So I wanna tell you about my story. I said I didn't want to share anything too personal about me... but I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for other girls who think they're fat and obese when they're really just... insecure.

Growing up, I've always been told that I was "too skinny" which was fine with me because I didn't think I'd ever have to worry about being overweight since I have a very high metabolism. And I still do. I actually don't know when it started... but I finally got to like... an insecure stage in life. I think it was around the time I first hit puberty... so at a pretty young age, when I was 10. I was 5'2 and 98 pounds which wasn't overweight but I kept comparing myself to the smaller and more petite girls that were like... 4'8 and 85 lbs. 

It's crazy to think that a ten year old went on a "secret diet" but yeah... I've always been "unpredictable" as my dad would say. I grew up in a healthy home with 2 loving parents and an older brother. I have like the stereotypical childhood. I don't know what went wrong... 

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I began to judge myself. I told myself I was too fat and it was just so hard for me to look at the other girls. I was actually shocked when people told me that I was skinny. But in reality, I actually was skinny. I was long and lean.. for a 10 year old. But under all of the clothes and all of the tinted-moisturizer (I didn't wear makeup at the time but wearing something that resembled foundation made me feel more grown up... hehe ^_^) I felt fat. I began to eat less and less... enough so that my parents wouldn't grow suspicious, but not enough for me to be healthy. I was shocked by all of the weight I lost. 

Work what ur momma gave u ;)

I dropped a few pounds and that's when it sort of just stopped... I kept the weight off by exercising and I went back to eating. Things were finally clearing up for me... until of course.. boys got involved.

DAWEHHH  THAT'S SO CUTE <3

Yes so "Young Love" lol. I was in love... I had my second boyfriend years later and I actually blogged about that under my "Guide to being happy" (you can find that here: http://happiness-counts-bubbly.blogspot.ca/ ) . While I was with him I just felt so complete because he completed my life. I made him the center of my universe and I didn't even realize that I wasn't eating. I went down to like 88lbs which was crazyyyy. It’s for some reason normal for me to be like 95 lbs right now.. I’m not overweight nore am I under weight… just average… just me.

After the break up... I kinda went ... well crazy. (Is it me, or am i using the word crazy too much..? ehh oh well..) I lost weight and I gained weight and I lost weight and I gained weight... that kinda happened for like 5 months until I got over him. It may sound like a dream come true... to be able to lose weight easily... and I do use it to my advantage... but things do get pretty intense and soon, ur body image blinds u from everything else. 

I graduated and started a new chapter in my life. But going to a new school with new people and old memories... is intimidating. It still is.... because this is still my first year at this school. I suddenly felt like my waist was too big and I was too fat and my nose was gigantic and my thighs were huge... u get the jist. I went bulimic.

You don't deserve this.

Bulimia... 7 letters and 7 thousand thoughts to go with it. People go bulimic for different reasons... and when people find out a person is bulimic.. it's confusing. I did it because I was insecure. I'm not suggesting that anyone else should do it, I'm actually discouraging that. It might seem like the "easy way out" but it's not. You get to eat whatever you want and in the end it doesn't even stay in your body... sounds like a pretty good deal ? Well trust me, it's not worth it. Whether ur having suicidal thoughts or u just wanna be thin...this isn't how you should be dealing with things. It's like cutting... it becomes addictive. It was hard for me to even throw up at first and after a LONGGG time it got easier... but I couldn't stop. It became a part of my weekly routine... and then my daily routine. 

Even now sometimes, it's hard for me to not turn to that... I don't want to say it's worse than doing drugs and stuff like that... but it isn't any better. Not that I do drugs... cuz I don't. Go on a run, find a new hobby, ride a bike... watch what u eat- YOLO (You obviously love oreos :D lol jk, You Only Live Once) so why waste ur life on something that u don't deserve. If you're suffering from an eating disorder... please don't give up on yourself and I won't give up on you. God loves you. and so do i. 

After reading this, you might think that I'm crazy for going on a diet at such a young age. That's kinda what OUR society made of me... it's what I adapted too. You know what ? I'm gonna come clean and finally get the help I need and I'm proud of that. It's been such a long journey but it doesn't end here. I'll be blogging about insecurities under my guide to being happy soon, so I hope you guys decide to check that out. I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't want anyone to think that it's ok... because it's not... but I promise that everything is GOING to be ok. Don't ever call yourself ugly, U- Gotta- Love- Yourself.